Little moments of joy

After my treatments ended, it felt like waking up from a horrible nightmare. I didn't know how to get back to 'normal' life. Or know what life needed to look like. I was exhausted and felt that life needed to look differently from before. The time alone during COVID had helped me start an inward journey to find out who I was and what I really needed. At the start of my cancer treatment I received two life changing mental health diagnosis but hadn't had the headspace to process either of these emotionally. I started listening to self help books and books on spirituality. One that stuck out in my mind was "Take Your Own Advice" by Jeffrey Marsh. This book, as well as a few others, helped me to shift my perspective and start talking to myself in a more compassionate way. It felt really silly at first, unnatural to me. I still struggle with it some days, but I'm able to stop myself and turn it around.

Numbing myself from my feelings 

I have always had a tendency to numb myself from my feelings. They've always felt enormous. And allowing space for those enormous feelings to exist often feels terrifying. Scared of what might be hiding inside myself, scared that I might upset someone, scared of myself. But not feeling anything at all isn't the answer I want. Not anymore. 

I wanted things to change. I started reading books on magick and mysticism. Eager to learn about myself thoroughly. My analytical brain, treating myself like a test subject that I was to get to know, learning my behaviours, triggers and buried dreams. But I still wasn't really letting myself feel.

"Letting Magic In" Maia Toll (2023)

For me magick isn't about cult worship of far gone deities. It's about understanding myself and the universe I live in. It's about breaking intergenerational trauma lines. And living in line with the cycles of the seasons. 

It was necessary after cancer to allow myself more rest when the weather turns cold and enjoy sunny days all the more for the small respite in pain. 

Learning magick gave me a positive outlook when it came to doing the inner workings of healing trauma. 

But it also came with unknown and often painful outcomes. I started honouring myself, and this led to the breakdown of many relationships with both relatives and friends. I started allowing myself to feel, often misjudging the energy of the room. This brought up old feelings of shame about feeling the wrong thing, thinking I had upset others by having my own feelings, completely separate to their situation. There seemed to be more and more lurking in that enormous bag of feelings. I'd been carrying it around for years. Stuffing them further down into that neverending bag of emotions. Setting them free was messy and chaotic. I forced myself to stop feeling again. Numbing myself. Chastising myself for shutting off again.

I decided to buy Maia Toll's book "Letting Magic In" for my audible bedtime listen. Unknowingly choosing just the book I needed to hear. It allowed me to once again find compassion for myself on this journey of self discovery.

An Ocean of Tears

Coming off high strength codeine led to an Ocean of tears with no presumable origin.  And whilst I struggle with pain without them, I know that they come with many unwanted side effects. 

It's incredibly slow progress trying to get help with the pain management team, but I have been engaging in therapy when possible and trying to understand how to pace my activity so I don't crash and burn. Chronic pain is always there, whether it's raging like a fire or niggling in the background. Learning to cope with it, without the extra pain medication will take time. I am hoping for physical physiotherapy but also realistic about the timeframe and the possibility it won't happen.

I am working on feeling safe in my body so that I feel safe enough to express all those years of repressed feelings. 

Anger has always been the hardest emotion for me to feel, often turning to bitterness and self pity. Most of the time, I don't feel safe enough to feel my rage. But now I know that. I can start asking the questions that might unlock that door. What do I need, to feel safe enough to be angry, to really feel my rage?