When I first started my spiritual journey I thought I had to be calm to achieve enlightenment. I thought I needed to be rid of my emotions. But this isn't spiritual to me. It took me further from the truth of who I was. I am not a zen monk. I am, however, a menopausal woman with an interest in plant medicine, alternative healing and community. The one thing I actually lost by trying to follow a spiritual path. But are these practices actually set up for women? Alexandra Pope would argue that they are mostly not tailored to women's bodies, our cycles, our hips. In her foreword to Yoni Shakti, by Uma Dinsmore Tuli PhD, Alexandra writes a wonderful paragraph that explains perfectly the effects of womb yoga.
" What was it that Sjanie and I experienced that day that was so special? A yoga practice in which we felt our bodies and beings had been deeply engaged with instead of imposed upon. Our bodies responded with an inner warmth and smile. We ha been restored to a resting place of tender intimacy within ourselves, as well as feeling strengthened and balanced physically." Alexandra Pope, Yoni Shakti (2014).
I was not brought up Christian but a book on the teachings of Mary Magdalene was what started this revolution in my mind. The book, "Mary Magdalene Revealed" by Meggan Watterson (2019). Watterson has a very different take on the 7 sins, seeing them as tests that Mary had to move through to heal. It showed me that healing wasn't necessarily going to be pretty, that I might sever relationships and forge new ones. That maybe it was necessary to. Watterson concludes that we don't have to be perfect to be spiritual, but human. That our humanity was as much an enlightened path as our spirituality.
I soaked up this notion like a sponge and over the last few months I feel I have cried more tears than in the last few years. Maybe crying is exactly what I needed. To be human. To allow for mistakes and to be messy at life. But to do it with compassion. For myself and others. I have so many times, been so critical of myself and so forgiving of others. When I went through cancer, I started asking myself, "What do I need?", "What do I want from life?". These were honestly questions I had never thought of asking myself until I couldn't do anything. I was bed bound by the chemo, wiped out by the fatigue from the radiotherapy. I had around 6-7 months of pain, vomiting, fatigue and the rest. All I could do was Rest. My body was screaming to me to slow down.
Being still didn't quiet my rage.
Being calm didn't shift my anxiety.
Being silly did help my depression.
Showing myself compassion helped me start healing.
I needed nurture, rest and to be believed about my symptoms.
I needed to stop blaming myself and seeing myself as broken. I am not broken. I live in a system designed for men, by men. It shouldn't take 8-10 years to diagnose endometriosis. By doing so more women, non-binary, trans and intersex folks ( people with uteruses) are intentionally being ignored, until their symptoms are affecting their daily lives, pain at every turn and surgery is more complex. Or it's too late for surgery and the patient is left to suffer.
Softness is not a weakness. It is strength through compassion. I think we could all use a little more softness in our lives.
I know I have messed up at showing this compassion to others, often when I felt the pressure of my trauma to keep them happy at the expense of making myself uncomfortable, unhappy, unloved. Abandoned. Starting to really heal, taught me to stop abandoning myself. To stop waiting for a better day, or to be healed or perfect. These moments never really come. They just keep us frozen in the same patterns. I felt that the only way to free myself was to start the damn thing anyway. Start the painting, write the blog. Do it messily. Do it with humanity. Do it with love. Just do it anyway!
Love M. x
Yoni Shakti by Uma Dinsmore Tuli PhD (2014)
Mary Magdalene Revealed by Meghan Watterson (2019)
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